A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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