I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
