I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
