I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
