He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
