Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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