The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
