I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
