We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
