I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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