I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
