You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
