On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
