I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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