I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
