There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
