I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
