I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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