I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
