My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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