just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
