im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
