I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
