the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Even my vagina gasped.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
