Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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