first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
