I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
