One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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