Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
