I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
