we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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