She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
