Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
