you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think my vagina is haunted
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Randomize
