I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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