How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
