that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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