Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
