you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
