When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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