I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
