Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
