the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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