hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
