I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
