In America we eat man semen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize