So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
