just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
