I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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