1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
