??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
