I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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