He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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