come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
