if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize