The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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