Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
