I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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