I am midnight drunk by noon
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
