I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
