he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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