I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
