when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
