I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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